We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
