we have pet lesbian snakes
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
