I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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