Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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