You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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