he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
