Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
