My first STD was from a foam party
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
