Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
