I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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