This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
organizing the empties. That sober.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
