My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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