my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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