shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
