true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I got inside last night via doggy door
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
