i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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