i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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