I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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