You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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