2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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