Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
