Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
