I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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