Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
