so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am spending my child support on dildos
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize