just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Randomize