before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
