I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
