Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
