i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize