sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
