Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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