He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
