Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
