How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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