your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
