Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We have started to decorate penises.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
