I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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