are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
