Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
