how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
