explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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