Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize