I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
