I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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