the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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