I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
