Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
