I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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