Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
