I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
