Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
