My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
