tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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